Just Master An All Materia!
by Carlyle Celati
Summary: Just a brief parody of how Cloud got Fenrir. Lot's of crude humor, FFVII related jokes and sexism inside. One shot. R&R Plz!


**Author's Note: **Just had this thought in my had and I couldn't get it out. Hope i at least get a chuckle outa you guys.

Some CloudXTifa and TifaXYuffie

Enjoy!

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><p><span>Just Master an All Materia!:<span>

It certainly was an annoying, humiliating matter to go down the streets of Edge in that old rickety piece of shit. Kids laughing in his face, women snickering behind their hands trying not to be impolite. _God, why must I degrade myself to this bullshit… _Cloud had just about enough of having to go through the streets with the piece of trash that he had been forced to rent to get him to Kalm on delivery business. As demeaning as it is for him, he couldn't just stop his Strife Delivery Service over something that Tifa would probably call: "Dilly-dally-shilly-shally". _God that woman pisses me off sometimes… if I wasn't tappin' that ass every night I'd have told her off already… _

Cloud is the kind of person that likes everything sleek, sexy, black, and curvy; why else do you think Tifa changed her outfit, and dyed her hair black for Advent Children, hello? For Cloud, to be seen with this rusty piece of trash was tantamount to a form of suicide for him. Cloud felt like screaming his ass off, 'till his voice went hoarse... and he would've if not for the fact that the truck didn't even have windows, and he'd just make an ass of himself. It wasn't that he didn't have the money; off course he had the money… I mean who didn't go through Final Fantasy VII without at least a couple ten thousand gil right? It was just the fact that the coming of Meteor had nearly annihilated the entire upper plate of Midgar, which also included all the good cars. Any of the lucky few who did get away with a nice car found themselves in need of money and would sell them to get a new life started in Edge. On top of that, since a nice car is a rarity in such a place as Edge, no one with even the slightest bit of common sense would think of selling, much less renting out such a commodity. In other words: Cloud was fucked in that regard; and the best he could find was this crap…

But that's when the gleam of the sun struck the most gorgeous creature the blond warrior had ever seen. His foot slammed the brake immediately; how had he not seen this angel before? She and all her curvaceous glory; her slick black garments barely covering the voluptuous, shapely form beneath. She was calling him to him, and him alone… She wanted him, Cloud could tell. She needed him to mount her, and ride her all through the night. He stepped out of the truck and stared at her, mesmerized… then some whore got in the way of the view. "Bitch! Get out the way!" Cloud commanded, irritated.

"Excuse me?" the woman exclaimed, looking ready to rip Cloud's balls off.

Cloud, however remained undeterred (he had defeated a god-like mama's boy, what mere mortal could scare him? 'Cept Tifa perhaps…) crossing the distance between him and the beauty with long swift strides, he effortlessly bitch-slapped the obstacle out of the way. Groping, and fondling her as soon as Cloud reached her, he nearly busted a nut, when suddenly…

"Hey, dude what the fuck? Get off my bike!" A man's voice demanded from a nearby house.

As hard as it was for Cloud to have to separate himself from the beauty before him, he did despite the effort it took. "Sorry… ahem- nice bike ya got there."

"Yeah… I'm actually looking to sell it if you want it that bad." the man stated.

Cloud's eyes nearly lit up; today was his lucky day! He actually found a dumbass stupid enough to sell an awesome vehicle, and it also happened to be the vehicle his mind was set on getting the moment he laid his eyes on it. "Well, how much do you want?"

"Hmm… the man thought." _what, he doesn't have a price already set? _"Three hundred thousand..."

Cloud smiled in his moment of inner glee. He just so happened to have quite the packed wallet in his back pocket. As he reached for it, his smile suddenly vanished. _Oh god! Where the fuck is my wallet?_ "I'll be right back!" he announced his leave as he took off in a sprint back to Seventh Heaven.

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><p>With a grunt, the blond warrior, burst through the door of the bar, ignoring a greeting from a girl with short black hair. Running upstairs to his office he began overturning desks, beds, and papers in a frantic search for the stash of gil he had in that wallet he had been hiding from the others. "Where is it?" he yelled.<p>

Suddenly someone at his door called out to him. "Cloud what's wrong?" she had never seen the normally calm, and collected swordsman act this way.

"Not now Yuffie! I need to find my wallet! How am I gonna get three hundred thousand gil? He's probably gonna sell it by the time I get that much gil!" Cloud roared in his plight.

"If you're that desperate for some money, then just go and master an all-materia silly!" Yuffie inputted, trying to calm the blond.

"I don't have the money to buy a new all-materia, and the one's we saved you guys won't let me sell!" Then Cloud thought, _Well maybe I could them behind their- wait is that?_

Yuffie was holding up a brand new virgin all-materia, shiny and unused. "Here!" throwing it to Cloud with a smile on her face. "Master that baby! Just go fight some movers!"

"Thank you so much Yuffie!" Cloud hugged the petite teen before him. "I'll never forget this!" going over to his closet he pulled out the Apocalypse, one of the many swords he got during their adventures. "Glad this was the one blade I didn't sell…" exiting his office Tifa came out to the meet him in nothing but a towel to cover her.

"Hey Cloud… you wanna, you know…" Tifa stated seductively.

"Not today Tifa, I've got business to take care of." Cloud bluntly responded, to Tifa's astonishment. _He never turns down sex! Just when I was in the mood…_ When Cloud left, Yuffie looked over to a saddened Tifa, her head down in disappointment. "You know… I could make you cum!" She stated gleefully.

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><p>Cloud walked up to the man, bloody, bruised, beaten, and worn. He had to get Cid to take him over to the Northern Cave just to go in and battle hundreds of damn dragons, and other damn random encounters just to fight a few battles with some movers and have to travel all the way back up fighting many more encounters all the way. <em>I never got how those fuckin' monsters can just pop out of nowhere anyway… And I wish I would've brought that damn enemy away materia with me… why didn't I think of that?<em>

"Oh, you're that guy that was humping my bike earlier, what they hell happened to you?" the man inquired.

"Fuck does it matter!" Cloud snapped. "Here I got a damn mastered all-materia for you. You can sell it and I can have that damn bike!"

"But the bike's only three hundred thousand, you know that right? You'd be giving me a million more gil!"

"I don't give a shit anymore, I just want that bike!" Cloud said, as he reached into his pocket to fish out the materia.

"Whatever… who am I to complain… something wrong?" Cloud looked like he was a about to break a limit, as he searched frantically all over for his precious all-materia.

"NO! I must've lost it somehow!" Cloud yelled, dropping to his knees in despair.

The man before him let out a heavy sigh; "You know, I have someone else that seriously wants this bike, and they're only a phone call away…"

Cloud rushed up to the man, grabbing his collar. "NO! I'll do anything for that bike, please!" Then idea came to him… "Hey… Hey! You know that bar, Seventh Heaven over on the other side of Edge?"

"Calm down dude… yeah I do. Not a bad place and the barmaid's hot…" the man returned. "Why?"

"What if I said, that I could get you a lifetime of free food and drinks there?" Cloud stated. "That barmaids my girlfriend, and I think I can convince her!"

The man brought his finger to his chin, in deep thought. "Hmm… maybe… hmm… sure!"

"Alright! Just a minute…" Cloud quickly pulled out his phone and dialed Tifa's number quickly. The woman picked up at the first ring.

"Hello? Cloud? What is it?" the woman wondered. Cloud rarely ever called… and he was talking something about the privilege of how much one person could eat and drink for free during their lifetime at Seventh Heaven.

Cloud on the other line, had a hand in his pocket, ready to use the materia he had therein. It was a materia he never went any where without… Although… he wasn't sure if it would work through the phone, but he was desperate enough to try if it came to that...

She was sure there was something Cloud wanted to exchange that odd privilege for no matter what. Not only that, but she was in a good mood after her and Yuffie's alone time earlier that day…

Cloud was utterly appalled when he heard a soft 'Sure' from the other end. _Wow… looks like I won't have to use the manipulation materia after all… _He nearly wept for joy when he thought to himself how amazing it will be to ride that gorgeous bike, and how cool he'd look. _Oh my god Tifa! If I was with you right now, I'd be eating your pussy like Meteor was comin' again! I'd make you cum so much… you've made me so happy right now!- _Cloud thought in his head.

It wasn't until he heard a shocked, whispered 'What…?' on the phone, and saw the odd expression that the owner of his future bike was giving him that he realized that he hadn't said it in his head… "Shit… I just said that aloud didn't I?" he asked as the man gave a meekly nod. He quickly hung up the phone and walked over to the man. "She said okay…"

"…mmm… whatever…" the man just wanted to be rid of the bike and this spiky haired weirdo. "Let's shake on it."

The two shook hands, and the man handed over the keys, happy that he had finally given away the bike. Then the blond went over to grope the bike again…

Suddenly the man's phone rang, and after a brief conversation he turned to Cloud. "Dude! Get off!" he received a puzzled 'what' from the previously ecstatic blond. "I've got a a way better deal! Someone's got a freakin' 'all' they're ready to sell me!"

"But… we made a deal… and we shook hands." Cloud pouted, nearly weeping.

"Fuck that shit! I'm gonna be rich!"

The two men stared at each other in a deep awkward silence for what felt like an eternity; until Cloud's fist met the man's face, knocking him out cold. Looking around to see if anyone saw that, he spotted a blue glow in the distance. _Is that, Yuffie…? _The young girl had half her body peaking around the corner, a phone to her ear, and a glowing blue materia in her hand. _Is that my materia? And is that… my wallet? _"Yuffie!" he bellowed as the girl yelped.

Cloud quickly hopped onto Fenrir, putting the key in the ignition and taking off after the girl. _Now all I need is a sword…_ he thought to himself. _Maybe I can install some sword holders on this thing… Cause I got a Wutai thief to hunt. _

Without warning, his phone went off, and he brought it to his ear confused. "Hello? Who is it?"

"Its me, Tifa."

"What is it?" Cloud pondered.

"When are coming home?" Tifa queried.

"Why?"

"Well… you are still going to eat my pussy aren't you? It's perfectly wet, and ready!"


End file.
